Busta’s Person of the Week: “I’m a thriver and survivor of domestic violence, not a victim.”

Busta’s Person of the Week: “I’m a thriver and survivor of domestic violence, not a victim.”
October 21
13:23 2020

By Busta Brown

I felt it would be best to keep my Person of the Week anonymous. So, we’ll call her B. “After telling even parts of my story, I’ll have to take a deep breath and then release it,” she said. 

B’s a survivor of a nine-year domestic violence relationship. What’s most empowering about her story is the phenomenal woman who she is today. B has all the essence of a successful CEO or even a world leader. She’s strong, bold, brilliant, confident, and extremely sweet. That is why her students, her boss and co-workers love and admire B. But this phenomenal woman had a rough introduction to love. 

She met her first love in her late teens. “He was my first everything and I loved him with all of my heart and mind. But I eventually realized that love is not supposed to hurt. And he hurt me both mentally and physically. Like most relationships, things started out great, and I was too young to notice the warning signs of an abuser. Before he became physical with me, he would throw things. And in less than a year into our relationship, he began hitting me,” said B. 

She wasn’t raised by her biological parents, so that caused abandonment issues and feelings of rejection. “When I met him, I felt honored that he wanted me. So, I did whatever he wanted to make sure that he didn’t abandon me as well. He began taking advantage of my vulnerability and insecurities, and using our conversations about my childhood against me. I didn’t know that was a red flag of an abuser. And there were other signs as well, such as telling me how other women wanted him so I’d feel insecure. And of course, it all worked. His tone and choice of words were extremely hurtful, and also intimidating. That’s how they control you. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would never have allowed any man to speak to me the way he did,” said B. 

Like most domestic violent relationships, before it becomes physical, the abuser uses your insecurities to their advantage. “When he first hit me, he had already gained control over my mind. And I didn’t see it coming, because at that point I was still very young and thought I was deeply in love. He would tell me that no one else wanted me, and also shielded me from my family. He persuaded me into believing that he was all I had. So, when he’d hit me, he would immediately apologize, and say it was because of how much he loves me, that he couldn’t control himself. I didn’t have a father figure, so I didn’t know how love was supposed to feel. 

“One day, while nine months pregnant, because I wouldn’t let him take my car, he threw his cell at me. I had to get six stitches above my eyebrow. Yet it wasn’t a turning point for me for some reason. Instead, I stayed with him. Before my boyfriend came into my life, I would always ask myself, how much am I worth if my own father didn’t want me?” said B. 

After that, I nearly exploded with tears as a result of envisioning the physical abuse and also the words he may have used to control her and beat down her self-esteem. Our words can hit the mind, body and soul as hard as a bullet and cut as deep as a knife, creating wounds that could take years to heal. Unfortunately, in some cases, the wounds never heal at all. And that gives the abuser ample time to remain in complete control. For years, I’ve witnessed this kind of abuse from men in my neighborhood. 

As B continued, I had little flashbacks of those moments. “He was very persuasive, so I bought into him hitting because he loved me so much, and that’s why he couldn’t control himself at times. I never told my family because I didn’t anyone to hurt him. Through all of the abuse I still loved him. I just wanted him to stop hitting me. I eventually told his mom and she asked me what did I to make him hit me. I would have told someone else sooner, but after that, I became silent about it. To any woman reading this, never allow anyone or anything to silence you.” 

It was B’s grandmother that planted the seeds of some old school wisdom to help grow her into the woman she is today. “She said, when I get tired of being sick and tired, I’ll be strong enough to leave.” That day came while B and her boyfriend were arguing in front of their son. “Then he hit me. I immediately thought about my son. If I had stayed after that, he would grow up seeing this kind of behavior in a man. I didn’t want him to ever think that it was OK to put his hands on a woman. I was in my late 20s at that time, and was finally tired of being sick and tired. And I left for the sake of my son’s future,” said B. 

That sort of sacrifice is an ultimate example of a mother’s love. B is in complete control of every aspect of her life, mind, body and soul. As a teacher, it allows her to mold the minds of young women and men. And if you asked her students and co-workers to describe how a lady is supposed to walk, talk, and live, they would say, “Exactly like Miss B.” I’ve seen how much they truly adore this phenomenal woman, who now knows her true worth. 

I wasn’t surprised when she told me that she had forgiven her ex. She’s done that in excellence as well. “You can’t allow the abuse and your past to define who you are. If you do, you’re still that same victim. I’m not a victim of domestic violence; I’m a thriver and survivor. I’ve learned to love myself and accept what happened to me and know that it wasn’t my fault,” she said. 

B has been working out as well and she’s lost nearly 60 pounds. But her greatest weight loss was losing ill feelings toward her ex. “I forgave him without ever getting an apology for what he’s done. But forgiveness has set me free. We get along and co-parent great. Forgiving him gave me complete power and control over my life. I’m able to accept that it happened and be OK with it. I know what he did, but I had to ask myself, am I OK? Make sure you’re OK and know your worth. The best way to do so is to leave it in the past,” said B. 

My phenomenal Person of the Week is the Bold, Beautiful and Brilliant anonymous B.

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