WS Chronicle

By Cindy Argiento

“You gonna wear that?” is the question I have asked my husband many times over the span of our marriage. After 22 years of marriage, I find it amazing that the man thinks clean underwear and a new tie meet the business casual dress code requirements. 

Once again the other night getting ready for an evening out, I looked at him and asked, “Are you gonna wear that jacket?” 

“I was planning on it. Why? What’s wrong with my jacket? You told me you like this jacket.” 

“Yes, I told you I liked the jacket, back in 1980 when I met you. Now it’s old, worn, faded and small on you. Besides, I thought we got rid of it. Where did you find it?” 

“I found it on the floor in my closet. I forgot it was there until today when I decided to clean my closet rather than listen to your constant nagging one more minute.”

“I only nagged you to pick up your underwear since you ran out and the pile on the floor was obstructing the television. It was a choice of doing laundry or running to the store and buying new underwear.” 

“Oh, that reminds me, next time you go to the store, pick me up some underwear.”

“You gonna wear those sneakers?”

 “I was planning on it. They’re my dressy sneakers. Why? What’s wrong with my sneakers?”

“Well, since tonight is semi-formal, you should wear shoes. I don’t remember those sneakers. Where did you get them?”

 “Under the jacket in the closet.” 

“That figures.”

 “About the jacket, you think I should give it to our son?”

“No, he won’t want it.” 

“Why not?” 

“Well, for one thing, he has taste. We could bury it tomorrow along with those sneakers. Now go put on a pair of dress shoes.” 

“Dress shoes, like I wear to work?”

“Yes dear.” 

“You know I work from home now, remember? So now I have boxes of untouched shoes in my closet.” 

“The only shoes you wear now are bedroom slippers and you have to scrape off the dead spider that you crushed and is still dangling to the bottom of your right one.” 

“I’ll change.”

“You gonna wear that tie?” 

“I was planning on it. It has some green in it which matches my shirt. Why? What’s wrong with my tie?” 

“It has green in it because it’s a Christmas tie decorated with Christmas trees.” 

“Well, you gave it to me.” 

“Yes, at Christmas time, not in the middle of August. Put it back and pick out a different tie. Hey, where are you going with the tie?”

 “I’m planning on going to the bathroom to hang myself before you get a look at my red socks that you gave me for Valentine’s Day.”

“Oh, one last suggestion. While you’re in there, you should change the undershirt that I gave you for Halloween. The pumpkins show through your shirt. Hey, there’s no need to slam the door; I’m only trying to help. What’s going on in there? Is that the window I hear? If you’re sneaking out again, I’ll meet you in front with the car. I’ll get your coat. Do you want the one with the missing button or the one with the broken zipper? “

Oh, forget the party … we really need to go shopping!

Cindy Argiento is a freelance columnist, public speaker and playwright. To contact, book her as a speaker, or read about her play “Stanley and Alice,” visit www.cindyargiento.com.